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My daughter was watching a show last night on the Discovery Channel that made me so uncomfortable, I watched for like 5 minutes and had to get up and leave the room. I have never been so disturbed by a TV show. It’s called “Naked and Afraid”. Have you seen it?
The premise is it takes two strangers, a man and a woman, takes them out to the middle of nowhere… and I’m not talking like, ya’ know the backwoods of Maine or something, they drop them in Borneo and Tanzania! Oh it gets worse… when they get out of the vehicle they undress and that’s it for the clothes… FOR THREE FUCKING WEEKS!!!! The first time the man and woman meet they are completely naked. The goal is to survive 21 days in the wild, bucknaked, with a complete stranger and let the hilarity ensue. Who on God’s green fucking Earth would sign up for that?! Ok, maybe a day or two… but 3 weeks?
From what I saw they had to capture and cook their own food. I saw they had a knife, so I guess they’re allowed that. They have to make their own shelters, fire, and clothing if they so choose. So they show them naked shivering at night, covered in leaves for warmth. They’re wet all night if it rains. They are covered in bug bites or other sores or parasites or sunburns or rashes. How the hell is this a challenge one would want to do?! I could barely make it through the challenge of sitting at a bar for an hour that made bad martinis! That’s all the “roughing it” I can do. I’d suffer a bad martini for God and country, I would.
After they were showing a closeup of a medic coming in and trying to remove some sort of… “living thing” that was burrowing in this guy’s skin, I said “I’m out” and folded my TV watching hand.
It got me to thinking… do people really enjoy this stuff? Watching other people suffer? I’ve never even been able to watch “Survivor” over the years, I just don’t derive entertainment from watching people live like animals and suffer and junk. If people do actually enjoy this stuff, I’ve thought of a few ideas to pitch to the networks…
1. “The Anal Fissure Show”
Contestants compete weekly to contributing everything they can to creating a gigantic hemorrhoid on their sphincter. This includes eating binding foods, getting constipated and pushing too hard to get it out, and standing for long periods. Giving birth is a quick shortcut. The winner gets to have it removed on tape for the viewing audience to see.
2. “Prison Rape: Cycle 1”
Male contestants are put into maximum security general population and try to keep their proverbial anal hymen intact. Winner gets a conjugal visit with a partner and trailer of their choosing.
3. “North Korean Labor Camp Challenge!”
Endure long hours of intense labor, medical experiments and starvation… just to test your stamina. Winner gets to live!
4. “Wax This!”
Contestants get on the table and get ready to be ripped! Not like ripped as in rippling muscles but like the hair ripped out of your body. Folks lay down and let the pros go to work, one body part at a time… feet, legs, bikini, ass, back, stomach, chest, arms, lips, eyebrow… etc. See how far you can get before you start screaming, “For the love of God, make it stop!”. Winner gets a bottle of Aloe.
5. “Operation Civil War Battlefield Medic!”
See if you can garner the most painful medical procedure on the battlefield just like they did in the good old days… with little or no anesthesia. Bullet wound? Pour a little whiskey in and pluck away. Severed limb from a canon explosion? Here’s a cloth tied in a knot to bite down on. Winner gets to have limbs reattached on live TV. Losers get sent home with no insurance benefits.
6. “Sex Trafficking Tournament”
Parents are offered large sums of money to send their children off to “caretakers” in third world countries. Caretakers then bet on their teams of young worker bees to see who can be the most popular and profitable target of pedophile love. Winning team of children get to sleep in real bed, winning “caretaker” gets large sums of cash to spend in rest of Thailand.
They all sound like winners to me! Would you watch? Have any other bright ideas?