Madge's Useful Gift Guide for Wayward Grads
It’s that time of year again… graduation time! And as I am always striving to be oh-so-helpful, I have compiled a list of nifty gift ideas for the recent grad. The ceremony has probably already happened but there are still a shitload of grad parties to attend and you don’t want to go empty handed!
For the high school grad:
1. A box of condoms for college.
Let’s be honest, better safe than sorry.
2. A voice-activated “Tattoo Alarm”.
This device is programmed so that when ever a freshly minted 18 year old drunkenly slurs the words “I’m gonna’ go get a tattoo”, an alarm sounds, hopefully jolting the youngster out of their stupor, an On-Star call center sends a tattoo interventionist to their location and his/her parents are automatically called.
3. A lighter.
There is no better way to meet guys or girls in college (or other youngster social settings) than to have one handy when someone is look for a light for their… whatever.
No better way to drown out loud drunken assholes on your dorm floor at 2:00am when you are trying to sleep… or to drown out the sounds of your roommate having sex.
5. A combination lock safe.
Because you will need a safe place to put your valuables like your booze and food that your roommate will surely pilfer. Oh and I guess for like your electronics and stuff too.
For the college grad:
1. An “I Stayed Out All Night and Need to Go to Work in 15 Minutes” Survival Kit.
It contains: Deod0rant, mouthwash, washcloth, aspirin, Gatorade, comb, Pepto Bismol, clean undies, clean shirt.
2. A membership to an texting alert system that lets you know when your bank account has dipped under $20.
Because nobody ever remembers the trips to the ATM at 2:00am to buy more beer or food from the street meat truck.
3. Cleaning supplies.
Because chances are they never cleaned up after themselves in college, and now in your 20’s no one wants to hook up with someone with a bathroom that’s growing a beard.
4. A business etiquette book.
When you’re in the real working world, you’re boss or client won’t tolerate being called “Dude” or “Douchecopter”.
5. Business clothing that fits properly.
Sure they were fine for going to class but pajama bottoms drooping or folded down to reveal your asscrack are not suitable for the office or business meetings.
Hope this helps. And remember when all else fails, give cash. Cash that will be blown on beer, video games or Taco Bell. Good luck and Godspeed