My Name Ain't Baby it's Madge, Ms. Madigan if You're Nasty

I just stopped at ye olde gas station – convenience store combo.  I needed a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino and CVS wasn’t open yet.  A woman has needs.  Anyway, I had just dropped my girls off at school and I was decked out in my finest pajama bottoms, Uggs, Columbia jacket and top knot on my head.  I exchanged a chuckle with the  nice 20-something young man clerk when I went to pay $2.69 mostly in change.  (we broads don’t empty our pockets like the guys every night, we collect that shit like lint, I needed to get rid of it)  And over the course of the conversation (at beginning and end) he called me “darlin'” twice.

Now… what will Madge’s reaction be?

I kinda’ liked it.

It was cute.  He was harmless.  It wasn’t forced, you could tell he probably calls everyone that.  And the fact that he called a woman probably 20 years older than himself that was just, I don’t know… cute.  Charming.

I know not everyone likes that.  That’s the funny thing about pet names or terms of endearment or whatever.  A 70 year old woman I know from the country club would have probably cursed the kid out as she feels she deserves more respect.  I don’t know, at my age (probably her age too) I’d rather be called darlin’ than ma’am.

However, we all know there are times when it just feels different.  Say when the lecherous old man at the bar keeps calling me “sweetie”. I’d be all up in his grill like “I ain’tcho sweetie!”.  Nah, I’d just walk away ‘cuz it was creepy.

Or when the condescending woman at the jewelry counter called me “honey”.  Oh I felt a big old “fuck you” welling up from my toes on that one.  But I held my tongue.  See, because if I had gone off on her, I would have proved her theory that I was some low rent broad coming in tryin’a be all fancy.  So, to be bitchy I called her “ma’am” when she appeared to only be about 38.   heh heh heh  I could see the pissiness come over her as I smiled politely. Meow!

As for the men in my life I can’t say that I’ve ever had any concrete pet names from them, unless you count “Mom”.  And that was from my son, don’t get all pervy on me.  Actually when my son is being affectionate and not the “I’m far superior to you because I am a college Freshman in New York City and hobnobbing with the world’s elite” guy… he calls me “Mum” in a British accent.  I like that a lot.  Or “Soopah Mum”  (super mum)  which is a “Shawn of the Dead” reference.

My ex-husband called me “honey”.  Big deal.  My current man calls me… nothing.  I think he would beat my annoying ass with a stick if he could instead of calling me a pet name.

I knew a couple that called each other “babe” constantly.  It was literally ever other word, “Babe should I use more salt, babe?  Babe, what do you think, more salt babe?”  Jesus Christ, what are you trying to prove?  Get over it, we know you two are together, we’re not immigration and you’re trying to prove your marriage isn’t just a green card scam.

Oh and as one myself I can tell you without a doubt, redheads don’t care to be called “carrot top” or “fire crotch”.  And if you don’t know me, don’t ever ever yell “hey Red!” at me, or I’m gonna’ give you some fire in your crotch with a stiletto heel.  As an aside if you ask me if the carpets match the drapes, you’ll get a fork in the eye… or I’ll just publicly humiliate you and ask you if you shaved just the middle of your balls to match your hairline.

We women call each other names sometimes.  I have a bunch of friends that we called each other “hooker” all the time.  That was fun, but got old I guess.  It was the funny thing for women friends to call each other “bitch” all the time.  I think that’s pretty stale too.  When I lived in North Carolina in the late 80s I had a girl call me … I don’t know how to spell it.  Phoenetically – “shoog”.  But you know, the first syllable of “sugar” but drawn out.  It was quaint at first, but after a while I was like “ok honey the audition for Hee Haw is now over, you can stop”.

Dudes, I can’t figure you all out.  You will call each other the most vile things as terms of endearment.  My ex-husband and his friends used to call each other “cocksucker” all the time.  “Hey what’s up cocksucker?!”.  Um yea.  Then there was “fuckface”, “douchenozzle”, “dickhead”, and “zoobutt”.  But they were all hockey players so maybe they were in a class by themselves.   I don’t know, does that make you all feel closer?  Hug it out, shithead!

I guess it’s all in the way you say it.  I remember having a waitress at a diner locally but she had a thick Pittsburgh accent.  She called they guy I was with and me “hon”, but it was like every other word.   Seriously.  Ok, the part of Flo from Mel’s Diner on “Alice” has already been cast, you can cut the shit now.  It was just really forced and phony.  More annoying than charming.

Has anyone ever called you a pet name you absolutely hated?  My Dad and certain siblings called me “Peanut” when I was young because I was so tiny.  I hated it at first but came to like it more as my ass grew bigger after puberty.  Yea, you keep calling me that…

So tell me your best and worst nicknames.  Or tell me if you ever punched someone out for calling you “sugar britches”…

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