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  • margaretfmadigan

Well There's Always Work in Fetish Films, Right?

I’ve decided to make the permanent switch from Blogger to WordPress.  Yay me.  So, I need to start redirecting everyone over here.  Also, I need to tidy up this site, just threw it up a while ago but now I need to hang some curtains and stuff.  For example, I need to fix my damn banner, obviously it’s the wrong size so it comes out blurry.  Anyone know how to fix that… or just make a whole damn new one?

I’m in a funk right now.  No, not like George Clinton and Parliament Phunkadelic (I wish)… more like “What kind of funk did I just stick my hand in between the stove and the wall?”.  I have reasons to be incredibly joyful like taking my son to NYU for his freshman year this weekend.  I am so proud, but I think under the surface I have all kinds of emotions boiling – sad (obviously), mad/stressed/overwhelmed (that I have to coordinate and pay for everything myself), nervous (just a little, but he’s smart, I don’t think he’ll get mugged or alcohol poisoning, knock wood, oh Jesus hope I didn’t just jinx it).

But I also have legitimate reasons to be in a funk.  I can’t quite seem to get where I want to be career-wise.  I’m kind of at a cross roads with my career.  Sometimes I feel I’m on the cusp of greatness, other times I feel like, “Can I just get a God damn break for once?”.  I’ve been in survival mode since my divorce 12 years ago, in dealing with an unpredictable ex who eventually ended up fleeing the scene all together 4 years ago.  So, I’ve had to take jobs, any job I could find.  Sometimes you just have to.  But now I’m trying to have a career.   Trouble is I don’t have the financial luxury of cherry picking gigs.  But in this past month I’ve turned a corner… and I’m not sure I am comfortable with  it.

See, life would be much easier if I was a sociopath or a doormat.   I’ve been trying to speak up at the right times and stay quiet at the right times.  And I over think the sh*t out of stuff.  See, last week I quit a job that I just started about 4-5 weeks ago.  I had a bad feeling when I got hired but ya’ know I did that whole “I need to pay the bills” thing.  And I went against a vow I took years ago to never work for a small start-up or non-profit again.  Sorry, just too unstable and too much red tape and budget constraints.  Sorry, but I hate it.  I’ve gotta’ get stuff done and get it done now, not fill out 10 forms and wait for a board vote before doing it, only to find out there’s no money to pay me.

I don’t want to tell too much but it was a place that was very very small (4-5 employees) and was in transition.  Danger Will Robinson!  Some stuff went down and well… I quit.  I have never done anything like that in my life.  I do things properly, stick it out, try to work it out, or at least resign properly with a two-week notice.  But I had seen some bad signs, trust me and I vowed never put myself in that position again.  (me and my vows)

And ya’ know the Catholic guilt went into overtime.  Quitter’s remorse.  I should have just kept my mouth shut, I need the job, I shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’.   See, here I go, second guessing everything.

My point is… I’m in limbo with what I will take and what I won’t.  I’ve discovered before that what you surround yourself with or what you accept is what you get.  I guess I need to start accepting better things.  BUT, I have 3 kids to support all by myself.  No husband, no child support.  Me, myself, and I.  Kinda’ hard to do on sh*tty $12/hour jobs, but if I don’t take the $12/hour, I’ve got… nothing.  Sooooo… therein lies the problem.  I keep getting told I have great skills but lack certain specific experiences.  I’ve been making silk out of sow’s ear for years now, I’m a little freakin’ sick of it.  And I’m a jumbly mess of funk.   What’s a girl to do?

There’s always fetish work, right?

I don’t know what to do about the job thing right now.  But ya’ know what I would do about crappy situations?  Ok here’s where I go into dream sequence… I know we all have those fantasies about what we would like to do in real life situations.  Here’s what I would do if money and jail time weren’t an option…

* I would tell that woman she wears crappy bras and her size J chest doesn’t look attractive sitting on her lap and then stab her with a pencil.

* I would kick that abusive guy in the sack and tell him his ideas suck and he should stick to his profession and get help for his OCD and self-loathing issues.

* I would send all the texts with requests for nudes to that guy’s girlfriend.

* I would hit Sarah Palin in the face with a shovel.

* I would scream “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Nobody wants to hear about your stupid nerd kid all day!” to that lady, ok well several ladies I know.  You’re not the first person to ever have a child, and no he’s not the coolest thing ever.  I try so hard to keep talk of my kids to short mentions, not day long commentary at the office or every freaking FB post, Tweet, or blog.  Sorry girls.

* I would sue the crap out of that landlord for all my stuff being destroyed by mold and for being an abusive slumlord.  Oh and perhaps bash them with a shovel too.

There is such a long list, but alas they are just fantasies I whistfully play in my head to bring a smile to my face.

I really don’t have anger issues, really.  I just have an active imagination.  🙂  What would you do to get back at someone?  What would you do about work?  By the way, I don’t condone violence or destruction of property in any way, but it’s fun to envision as if it were a scene in an obsurd quirky cinematic comedy.

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