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A couple housekeeping notes…
I have a new little book out! A very little book. It’s a short book of haiku entitled
Kindle version only $.99! Buy it here.
And don’t forget about my other book When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”
Also going to be in Manhattan this weekend at my colleague’s book launch party…
Christina Rasmussen: Second Firsts – Live, Laugh, and Love Again a book on surviving loss. I did a promotional video for her on YouTube for her 30 Days of Hope project.
So, with all that crap out of the way…
I’ve started doing some work for a non-profit that deals with domestic violence prevention and transition after the fact. I’m doing their marketing and development. I had to go to a seminar yesterday with a bunch of speakers on various subjects involving domestic violence.
A lot of the subject matter was like “yea, I already know that” and some stuff was validating because it told me I wasn’t crazy and yes he did that. Which, believe it or not we don’t always know. People can convince you of some crazy stuff if you love them too much or they manipulate you enough. Yes, even me, Queen of the Skeptics.
One thing I took note of was that the speaker stated that not all domestic violence or abuse is physical. Yes! Yes! Yes! They call that a “psychological or emotional batterer”. Lord, I have experienced some manipulative dudes. As I’m sure you men have experienced manipulative women. Now these are people that have no compassion, no conscience, and gigantic balls. They will tell you the sky isn’t blue as you are staring at a blue sky, they will tell you that you are crazy and hallucinating. Much like I had my ex tell me that a note that I had in my hand that I found in his wallet that said “I love you, can’t wait to see you” signed with a name of a girl I suspected he was cheating on me with, wasn’t from a girl he was cheating on me with. And further he tried to lash out at me telling me I was crazy and a bitch. Oy.
So yea, these people exist. Now don’t go blaming the victim… we just looooove to do that in this society. Haven’t you ever known in the back of your head someone was lying, yet they talked such circles around you and made you feel terrible so that you gave them the benefit of the doubt? Sure, we all have. I knew mine was full of shit but I was just biding my time until I could have a plan to move the kids and myself out.
So here is a list of attributes that you can count on from a psychological or emotional batterer…
* Co-ercively controlling. “If you don’t clean the house, you’ll be out on your ass.” “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself or you or the kids”. “If you don’t have sex with me right now, you don’t love me or our family” Check. Been there.
* Entitled/Self-Centered. He bitches at you because money is tight. Tells you to buy less diapers or groceries. Then he takes himself out to dinner, buys drinks every night, or go gets a new tattoo. Check. Been there.
* Believes he/she is the victim… always. Everything inappropriate or bad thing he has done is because you made him or you stressed him out. Or he breaks down and tells a sob story about his awful childhood that made him do it. Check. Been there.
* Manipulative/Good Public Image. Everybody else is like “But we know him he’s such a great guy, he would never do that” Guess why? Because he manipulated the shit out of everyone in public too… after all that’s how he got you attracted to him, he put on the “Amazingly sweet, generous, loving, caring, charming guy” act at first… only to bring out douchebag guy later.
That’s what I hate when anyone ever says to me about 2 specific men I have dated (1 I married), “Well you picked him”. Well I didn’t pick the douchebag part! He wasn’t that guy when I decided to commit or get close to him. Guys, I know this has happened to you too. She can turn into a raving manipulative twat too!
Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else that, yes these people can do these things and it’s wrong. I knew it was but sometimes people try to convince you so much that you’re wrong, you start to believe the stories they tell you. I just have to keep telling myself… believe your gut. If it doesn’t seem right, it’s usually not right. And anyone who tries to convince you that you’re defective… doesn’t really love you or have your best interest at heart.