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Holy cow, I just realized my last post on here was November 14th. Here it is December 5th. Well, sorry but I had one of those “life interruption” things. Let’s see that day (Nov. 14th) or the next day my Mother went into the hospital with pneumonia. I hopped on a plane Saturday morning to Arizona from NY and arrived in the afternoon. Sunday night my Mother passed away. She was 87 years old and had been battling brain cancer since August. She put up a valiant fight. That was her, a feisty Irish broad. Apple –> Tree.
So, I stayed out there for a while, had a service and all that. Came home, had Thanksgiving… it’s a been a whirlwind of activity of which I have trudged through like a zombie. It’s almost like I’ve been numb or it’s just been surreal. What made it worse is we just lost my Dad last October, we weren’t even over that yet. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. There have been unexpected bouts of tears as I have passed my Mother’s favorite chocolate bar in the grocery store. How silly is that? But ya’ know we all have emotional triggers.
Something I never thought I’d say ever in my lifetime (yes, I know it’s a complete denial of reality but it’s how people roll sometimes)… “I don’t have any parents anymore”. What the hell?
It makes me think though, I’m a grown ass woman saying that, and I’m devastated. I can’t imagine a child losing a parent. Oh my God, just breaks my heart. Inconceivable. God bless you to anyone who has been through it.
I keep telling myself that I’m lucky that I had them until they were 89 and 87 years old. That’s a damn long time. A wonderful, loving, entertaining long time. I am very grateful.
But you know what’s funny? I’m a GAW (again a grown ass woman) and I’m a parent of teens but my emotions have reverted to those of a 7 year old child. As I mourn my parents’ passing, all the thoughts in my head are from my childhood. Like automatically. I have plenty of memories of them in my adulthood and them being grandparents to my kids but the immediate gut ones come from a closet way deep in the back warehouse of my heart labeled “childhood memories”.
I remember the visions, sounds, and smells of Mom in the kitchen, or reading on the couch, or watching TV with her eyes closed (swearing that she was still watching the program as we attempted to turn the channel) or as I was older her ironing a top for work as she was just in pants and a bra. She’d probably kill me for that one, but that was my Mom, some stuff she just didn’t sweat. When we (6 kids, 2 parents) were all trying to get through our daily functions and survive, Madelyn wasn’t a stickler about things, her motto was “Ya’ gotta’ do, what ya’ gotta’ do”. That’s where I got it from.
Ya’ know what I just remembered though? And this is funny… she of course didn’t care about traipsing through the house in various states of undress but it was absolutely essential that she put on lipstick before she got out of the car and went into an establishment. Even if she was in yard clothes or exercise clothes. Always the lady… except when she was in a hurry around the house. lol Oh Madelyn.
Well, I swore this wasn’t going to be a eulogy about my Mother, I just wanted to say how primitive our mind is sometimes. Sometimes our emotions are very basic. Children’s needs are basic – food, love, clothing (optional), shelter. My primitive basic emotion of a child needing it’s Mother (and Father) has kicked in. I try and tell myself “You’re an adult, you had them a long time, stop it.” But that parent/child bond isn’t broken so easily. I actually know someone who’s Father is a convicted murderer, their head tells them he’s an evil man and has broken ties but the heart still yearns for a normal Daddy. Those moments where Dad was nice for just a moment, and you wonder “What happened to that guy? Couldn’t he be that guy all the time?”. The heart has a mind of it’s own. A child’s love is still there even when the child is 80 years old or the parent is evil. Sometimes you have to sit with it until the hurt passes, the heart wants what the heart wants.
On a side note, my book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” will be FREE in Kindle Version this Friday and Saturday at Amazon.com. Please download. And hard copies make a great Christmas gift!