Ms. Madigan, Tear Down This Wall!
I’ve had a very specific pattern to my life for the past 22 years. I’ll have like one day of calm and then 29 days of slowly escalating disaster. It’s like that tick tick ticking of a roller coaster as it is going up to the top before it drops. And every so often I get stuck at the top of that hill before it drops, and I’m frozen with that panic gasp you get before the coaster takes the plunge. Imagine that feeling… and you have to sit with it for days or weeks.
Do you ever get to that state of… I just can’t try anymore? I have a quote in my head and I just can’t place it… I think it’s Eddie Murphy imitating like a singer or someone and he’s yelling “I can’t do no mo’, I can’t do no mo’!” Anyone know what I’m talking about? I’m usually so good at these useless lines… it must be because I’m at the wall.
Yea, so I’m at a wall right now. This single parenting thing never seems to right itself. There are endless finances that I need to pull out of my ass, time after time and well… I think my ass well is running dry. Yes, the book is doing well but I have a shitload of lost time to make up for (read: bills). That giant lump sum of back child support sure would come in handy right about now. (Funk soul brother, right about now… sorry that song popped into my head) Trying to find any other kind of work has been ridiculous for a couple years now. And some of the freelance work I’ve been doing… let’s just say I’d rather take a soak in a big vat of poo. No offense. But I plug away.
I hate these impasses. They are so frustrating. I know, I know “This too shall pass”, as my Mother has always said but I just hate being in this moment. It’s getting a little old. The trouble with my moments… it’s not like “Oh darn we might not be able to go on that vacation this year” My moments are like “We’re gonna’ get evicted” or “Sorry you can’t go back to school, I didn’t get the financial aid”
I think what I’m trying to say is… I’m not happy. There is so much I want to do and be and I feel like my feet are stuck in concrete. I know I can do it.
I know I can have everything I want, but I’m stuck. It’s not like I’m a miserable human being (I know some of you think otherwise… douchetotes), I’m happy with who I am, what I’ve become, and the love I can share. But man this scraping by with 3 kids to raise by myself has gotten old. I’m tired, y’all. Not from raising the kids exactly, but the struggle for food and shelter… Jesus Christ, you’d think that would be pretty easy. I adore my kids, I wish I could be a stay at home mom again (which I was for a minute about 13 years ago). Raising children has been the biggest success and source of pure joy in my life. But man how I wish I had a medical or law degree and had the steady coin.
It’s so frustrating, because I feel like I’m on the verge of something great or success or true joy… or maybe it’s just gas. But I’m stuck. Ok I need your help, how do I break through this wall? Besides having a telethon for myself? And it can’t involve spending any money… ‘cuz homey ain’t got none. So… give me your best advice…
Oh but first I have a small announcement to make… in a few weeks I have another book coming out! It’s just a short companion piece to my recently published book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” . Stay tuned!