Sports Moms I'd Like to Take a Meat Cleaver To…
I am proud to announce that my 16 year old daughter just made the varsity soccer team at her high school. And I might add, it is the same all girls Catholic high school that soccer superstar Abby Wambach played for! A fine soccer tradition, indeed. I’m so proud!
Which brings me to a subject my dear friend Wendi has suggested a few times but I’ve stayed away from because I fear I might explode while writing the blog. The subject is…
I’m pretty sure those of us at a certain age never had a parent present ever when we played sports. I competed in gymnastics, swimming, track, and cheerleading from about the age of 6 thru high school, was a college cheerleader (don’t laugh) and attempted swimming for a month or two in college and decided it took much time away from fraternity parties. But I digress, I did all those sports and really don’t ever remember my parents being at any of those events. And that’s just how it was back then.
Oh wait, I do remember my Dad being at a few events because he was a swim and track official at times. You know, the guy with the starting gun? But ya’ know he wasn’t allowed to cheer for us or I think even acknowledge we were his children. Hell, he even got paid. Great, my Dad got paid to watch my sport events. *dejected face*
Now I’m a Sports Mom. Over the past 16 years, my kids have participated in hockey, football, rugby, soccer, tennis, softball, track, cross country, volleyball, and lacrosse.
It’s all different now, there is such peer pressure (and I believe school pressure) for parents to attend every damn event their kid has, that you begin to get a label. And the peer pressure has had some Moms create their own bad label. Sports Moms in particular have very specific types.
But before I reveal the types of Sports Mom can I just make a public plea to DO AWAY WITH THE FUCKING MID-GAME AND POST-GAME SNACK! We didn’t need it, they don’t! I survived an entire swim meet without a snack in the middle. My brothers survived basketball and football games without a snack in the middle. Nor did we need a snack the second the game finished, we some how survived the ride home or the ride to the burger joint. My kids are, thank the sweet nekkid baby Jesus, past the snack age. But when I had three kids playing 3 sports a year and I had to pay attention to a God damn snack schedule? I wanted to gut the team Mom like a fish.
So stop it.
Ok, Types of Sports Moms…
1. The Pitbull. Bitch, you crazy! She acts like her kid is playing in the NHL, when it’s an age 8-9 year old house league game. She’s hollerin’ and screamin’ and usually has no idea of the rules of the game. Her: “Tripping? That wasn’t tripping! Terrible call, Ref!” Me (on same team): “Yea, actually it was tripping. We deserve the penalty.” Also 9 times out of 10 her kid is a God-awful player.
2. The Nursemaid. According to her, her kid has every ailment known to mankind. Of course the kid has asthma and peanut allergies. Then he gets on the field and falls down, she has to have the coach pull him out and check him for a concussion. Then she’s got the kid thinking he has every ailment, when he doesn’t so he becomes really hesitant. “Oh look out for Jimmy’s fallen arches!”. Might as well just put your kid in bubble wrap, lady.
3. Pep Squad Mom. This Mom lives vicariously through her child and becomes obsessed with their activities. She’s the one that has the stick figure stickers on the car that portray what the kid is into. In addition she has a plethora of “Titan Cheer – Ashley” and “Warrior Hockey – Dylan” emblem stickers on the back of the car. If that weren’t bad enough, she takes it upon herself to place an order for “Monarch Soccer” three-quarter zip sweatshirts that I can’t afford but now am getting pressured to get from the kid because “everyone else on the team is ordering one”. Fuck you, lady.
4. The Invisible Mom. Never shows up to anything. Kid always needs a ride home. Never volunteers. Kid never has necessary paperwork or equipment.
5. The Assistant Coach. This parent is not really a coach but sits on the sideline the entire game, yelling instructions and giving her evaluation of every position, player, and play. Lady, you mention one more time that my kid hangs back too much, I’m going to come over and punch you in the throat. Until they put you on the bench with the kids… STFU!
6. The Slacker Mom. Unfortunately this is what I’ve become. When I was due to bring snack, I usually had to run to the corner store during the game and buy a package of Rice Krispie Treats because I never remembered my snack time. God forbid I like, cut up orange slices or made homemade whatevers… I’m a shitty mom, I know. I used to have my folding chair in a bag right there on the sidelines, but now… I sit in the car half the time. Fall and Spring are still cold in NY! I’ve been watching kids play sports for 16 years now, I deserve a comfy seat. Hey, I keep the window partially opened, so I can cheer on my kid a little!
7. The Twat. She only has a select few parents on the team she will talk to. She is far superior to you. She is usually dressed in tennis or golf attire or Vineyard Vines. She is not paying all that much attention to what’s going on on the field or in the pool or on the rink… but she will make sure you all overhear what’s going on in her life. “Well Ted and I just got back from the Cayman’s. We needed to get back to take Anna to her horse show. Then we are taking the kids to Europe. But making sure we have enough time afterwards to take Hunter to ski school in Vermont for the winter.” I always want to say, “Oh I just got back from the Dept. of Social Services re-certifying for foodstamps, oh it’s just lovely there this time of year!” But now my kids keep telling me they are going to step in and say, “My Mom wrote a book, did you?” I admire my feisty kids.
Did I miss any type of Mom? I’m sure I did. Add your favorite types in the comments below…