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I used to love this time of year as a kid. It was a time for renewing… new school year, new clothes (after I stopped going to Catholic school), new swim season, new kids in my class, new TV season. I freakin’ loved it.
Remember in the 1970’s when they would have that special on Friday night that previewed all the new Saturday morning cartoons? I lived for that shit.
In mid-August when I would first see the football players out practicing at the high school, I’d get all tingly. No, not my naughty bits because they were boys and all, but because football would start soon and games were very exciting to me. I loved going to the games. I was a cheerleader. I was briefly in the marching band… don’t laugh, we used to do all these cool elaborate half time shows, that was fun. But then I became a cheerleader and that was the end of band.
First and foremost I was on the swim team. I started swimming on the varsity team when I was in 7th grade. Yea, bitches. I got my first varsity letter when I was in the 8th grade. See, I used to be good at something. I couldn’t wait for that season to start in the Fall every year. I was even really dedicated to going to two-a-day practices, 6:30am and 3:00pm. What the hell has happened to me?
Then having my own kids, I would get all excited for Fall. My son played football and the girls play soccer. More fun and excitement to look forward to. I love the hoopla of cheering for our school.
But today September 3rd, 2013… I feel agitated. I feel agitated, annoyed, sad, trapped, unmotivated, unhappy and I can’t even think of another word to describe this. I hate it.
I want to feel joy again. I want to feel excitement. I want to feel renewed.
I don’t.
I think there are various reasons. Maybe PMS, maybe peri-menopause, maybe because I have a possible torn achilles and the fucking doctor won’t see me until Thursday, maybe because I just lost my Dad in October and now my Mom’s health is very bad, maybe it’s because I don’t have my own place, maybe it’s because I’m having trouble getting this next project out the door. Whatever it is, I just can’t seem to get it to go away over the past 9 or 10 months.
I’m not saying this to be like “Oh woe is me”… I just want it to GO THE FUCK AWAY! I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I try to simply “choose” not to feel this way. But none of that works. I seriously think I need a shake up. Or an exorcism. Hard core drugs? What are the closest thing to “happy pills”, uppers? How about electroshock?
Last year I endured a long stretch of “happy”. Woot! I have the itch to have that again. Damn, I want to feel something. Have you ever just felt nothing? Like numb? That’s also what I feel. Is that when people start doing dumb things like cutting or sluttin’ around? Is it possible to feel anxious, angry, and numb all at the same time? I think that there are so many emotions, they have blended together to make me numb. It’s like the blues… these are “the plaids”, so many colors/emotions they become almost one blur of color/emotion from far away.
Jesus Christ, will you stop with the banging around outside?!!!!!
They are digging up the street outside, replacing sewer lines. Maybe that’s why I’m so irritated. Shut the fuck up, already
Is this just regular middle-aged crap? I didn’t want this blog to be a Debbie Downer but hey maybe someone else can relate. Ladies? Gentleman? Bueller?
Calgon take me away…